Holiday Blessings

I fully intended on going back to work the week prior to Thanksgiving, but it didn’t work out that way.  My levels were coming down, but very slowly. 

Dr. Asshole didn’t want to start my taper until my levels lowered some more, so I started extending my leave every two weeks in hopes of eventually being able to go back. 

The longer I’m on the Cyclo, the more I risk getting sick with a virus or a cold or an infection.  Which is exactly what happened.

The week after Thanksgiving, Tuesday, I believe, I went into see Dr. Asshole. His nurse, who takes my pulse, blood pressure, temperature and weight, was coughing and sputtering and I remember glancing at Terry and thinking, Oh no. But the damage was done. It was too late.

By Friday, I was sick.  And I was sick with the flu.  For over 10 days, I coughed, wheezed, shivered, and sweat like I was dying.  Less than 2 days in, Terry got it too. We were both sick as dogs. Shockingly, I got over it faster than he did. How that happened I have no clue.

Usually, I cook a HUGE dinner for Thanksgiving. I’ve been known to have 30 to 50 people at our house from both sides of the family.  This year, I had to turn everyone away.  There’s no way I could stand on my feet for all those hours, not to mention, I’d have to modify the food so I could eat it.  I hate to say it, but most people like salt and miss it when it’s not in their food.  I cooked a small dinner for just us.

And of course, I felt really bad. Emotionally that is.  You see, I wanted Terry to have his family for the holidays. I’ve cooked dinner for the whole 12 years we’ve been married and for me to skip this year, was difficult.  We were invited over to other homes to eat and visit, but I can’t eat their food. And Terry doesn’t like to eat anything I can’t eat, just to save my feelings.  And I also can’t be around people who are sick, possibly sick, or exposed. That includes children – children are the largest carriers of germs and viruses and colds than anyone else. I avoid them like they have the bubonic plague.

Christmas was much of the same. Since Terry was retired, and I was on disability, we were straped for money. We were literally counting pennies, searching for sales and rationing our food so all of our bills were paid.

For the Airport Christmas luncheon, the staff had secretly taken up a collection for us. I’ve never witnessed such generosity and love before… not for me….not for my family. It was overwhelming and a very emotionally time.

You see, my mother taught me to only worry about Eve.  I was taught to never get attached to anything or anyone that I couldn’t just walk away from at a moments notice. I know that sound selfish and I guess it is, but she always told me to only rely on myself because people will disappoint you. She wanted me to be independent, successful and I was taught to lie, cheat, and steal to get what I want.  And I was good at it.

It wasn’t until my first marriage failed, that I really started to take a good hard look at myself, my faults. I was self destructive. I didn’t trust anyone, didn’t believe in anything or anyone, including myself.  That is ….until I met Terry.

Terry taught me how to love. He taught me to be compassionate. He taught me that doing for others feels good. He’s probably the first and only person I’ve ever really cared about, other than myself.  Even over my family. Terry was the first person I couldn’t walk away from…. ever.

When the Airport selflessly gave to us in our dire need, my heart swelled. No one had ever done something like that for me before. Their gift was love and the true meaning of Christmas. It wasn’t about a Christmas tree, bright lights, or even presents.  I got the true meaning of Christmas. Terry and I didn’t exchange gifts…. we were the gift.  We were alive. We were together. We had our home, a roof over our heads and food in the frig. We had family and friends. We had it all.