Eve's FSGS Glossary of Terms

Arrogant, Dr. -  Attending ER Physician at Doctor’s Hospital who thought he was God’s gift, seen it all, bored out of his mind, until the day I waltzed into his ER with swollen skis and protein in my pee pee.

Asshole, Dr. – Recently former Nephrologist who lets me “play” with my medications, dosage, and frequency, but won’t let me ride a bicycle or jog.

Bee-ach from Hell, Dr. – Former Primary Care Physician who assumed 31 lbs of water retention was due to a thyroid condition.

Buddha Belly – Swollen abdomen that juts out like the Asian totem, Buddha. Rub my belly and you will not only get a wish, you’ll get a concussion.

Butt Cream – All-Natural Salve that relieves pain in the Camel Hump. Don’t put it anywhere tender. It’s spicy.

Butt Doctor – Gastroenterologist who removed my hemorrhoids

Camel Hump – The swollen space on my backside between my kidneys. Actually looks like a single camel hump. And yes, it stores water too.

Carnal Urge, The - Meal time

Chemo Fog – The confused mental state that we who take Pred, Cyclo and other immunosuppressant drugs get when they can’t form sentences or remember common, simple words, phrases, and information like name, date of birth, day of the week, etc.

Cyclosporine or “Cyclo” – Psycho.  Synonyms: Antifreeze. Nuclear Waste

Danger Zone – Interruption of the Carnal Urge.

Event, The – That period of time when I stand, my blood pressure bottoms out, I go blind and deaf, can’t tell which way is up or down and cling to the door jamb like it’s a life preserver.

Frankenstein, The – A common occurrence when the muscles in my legs lock up and I can’t bend my knees but try to walk across the room without falling on my face.

Hokey, Dr. – Recently former Primary Care Physician, aka Dr. Hospital, who, every time I see him asks me how I am coping with my illness and prognosis. Fine, until you ask. Thanks.

Holy Grail, The – The bright orange jug I am required to fill for my bi-monthly 24 hour urinalysis test

Hospital, Dr. - Former Dr. Hokey. Recently former Primary Care Physician. Every time he sees me, he puts me in the hospital.

Living Waters – My urine

Moon Pie – Huge, round head / face often present on patients who take massive amounts of steroids for long periods of time.

Needle Nazi – Anyone coming at me with a needle and the intent to use it.

Poontang, Dr. -  My gynecologist.

Prednisone or “Pred” – Eliminates the need for makeup in favor of a plastic surgeon. Synonym: Vanity Killer

Quack, Dr.- My newly appointed Primary Care Physician.

Remission - Vicious lie perpetrated by the medical community.

Sadist – Anyone who prescribes medications with side effects worse than the disease itself.

Sea Spray – The white frothy, foamy texture to my urine

Should be better than the last, Dr. – Newly appointed Nephrologist.

Skis – My huge, swollen feet

Snow Shoes – Again, my huge swollen feet

Straight-Laced, Dr. - My new Nephrologist. No nonsense, no joking, serious as hell with experience to boot.

Sudsy Savior – Jacuzzi Tub

Water Wings – My breasts. So swollen they could be used as floatation devices in the event of an emergency.